From Straight to Lez?

I've always felt mostly numb to the world around me. Bad things happen, as do good things, and none of it really has an effect on anything else. Not in any kind of permanent way. I have a large family and many friends. I've lost family and lost friends. None of it elicited any emotion within me. Outwardly, I showed sadness or joy, because I was expected to have feelings by those around me. I've been kissed and slept with men but never felt anything for them. Often, I would stop kissing a man because the exercise bored me.

All those songs about love were a mystery to me. I didn't understand how people felt passionately about another person or a cause. Not even to my parents did I feel connected. About 90% of my emotions were faked. Despite this, I do care how other people feel as a result of my actions. It's like the only way for me to experience emotion is through other people. I try my hardest to make other people happy so that I can taste happiness. I often wonder if I'm a robot living in a mutualism with the real people around me. I feed on their emotion.

Until I met Her. We met in passing and I could've sworn She was glowing. We had mutual friends and I saw Her occasionally, and each time I couldn't stop staring. The people around me all seemed to be cut from the same few molds, but She stood out. She was unique, an anomaly in my world of monotony.

We danced together at a Halloween party. It was the first time I'd touched Her. In that touch, She attached direct line to heart. I wasn't aware of it at first. The line was but a thread.

Three weeks later, She held a masquerade. At first She paid little attention to me, but in passing, Her arm brushed mine. The line had grown and spread, and that smallest touch sent vibrations through my entire body. It caught me completely by surprise and I lost my breath. I had a feeling for another person, a feeling out of my control.

I found Her again twenty minutes later and She asked if she could kiss me. In that kiss I melted. I was present in every moment of that kiss and felt every second. That kiss enveloped my entire soul.

Over the next week we dated. I was completely enraptured. The thought of Her took my breath away and my chest clenched. But the reality of it set in and I began to panic. Emotions were such a new concept to me, and to have these feelings for a girl... it was all too much. So I ended it.

I had never felt so much pain before in my life. I had never felt pain before at all. I spent three whole days in my bed staring at the wall, writhing in pain. I had to get Her back.

At another party the day before everyone left for winter break, I succeeded. I got Her back, and then left for three weeks. But when we returned, it was like coming home. I think I loved Her, but I don't have any other emotion to compare it too.

Then she changed. I could see She was troubled. I tried to help Her but I didn't know how. She grew distant and we barely touched each other. All of it was so new to me, I was a deer in headlights and She was a semi-truck. After 11 weeks of being together nearly every day, She left me. I didn't understand. In Her reason, She left a sliver of hope for an us in the future. I clung to that for weeks.

After a month, I was almost ready to let go. Then one night, Her and Janus, my friend, hooked up in front of me and my world imploded. Every emotion I'd never felt erupted. I felt too much to handle.

I had always called Her my cocaine, although I didn't know how true that was at the beginning. She had quenched a thirst I didn't know I had, only to have it taken away and leave me starving for more. Watching Her an Janus was like being an alcoholic locked out of a bar. When I confronted Her, She was angry at ME for being upset. I began to spiral. I had lost my one connection to reality.